Don't you just take the past and put it in a room, in the basement, and lock the door and just never go in there? That's what I do.
Probably. In my case it's probably a whole building.
And then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key, say open up, step inside, but you can't because it's dark and there are demons and if anybody saw how ugly it is ... I keep wanting to do that - fling the door open - let the light in, clean everything out. If I could take a giant eraser and rub everything out ... starting with myself ... the thing is, Peter, if ...
No key, huh? *
I've always loved this scene between Peter and Tom. It was tender, from the heart, and for the first time, given everything that led up to this point, the lies, the deceit, and murder, there was something so truthful coming out of his mouth ... but there was one problem. Who the hell is Tom Ripley? We never get a clear picture of who he really is as a person. From start to finish he is constantly hiding behind the facade of a fake somebody.
And recently I've realized that I have been doing the same thing. Well, not to the extent of Mr. Ripley ... murder has never been part of my M.O.
I was speaking with a friend of mine about things I'm working on and goals I'd like to accomplish and in the course of the conversation she brought up the fact that there are very few people in my life that know the real me. She compared me to a puzzle ... this person may have two pieces and that person may have a few more, but they never get the full and completed picture.
"You're an enigma."
Fair enough. It gave me something to think about and I began to look back at friendships and past relationships and discovered she was right. There are maybe three or four people that I have opened up to and let in, and even when them I certainly haven't been honest all the time. I've never been one to deal in emotions. I just never thought it to be worth my time. Don't get me wrong, I have them and I'm not a total automaton, but too often I just intellectualize what I'm feeling and go about my day, never really letting them sink in or dwell on it for too long. I was calm, cool, pleasantly detached and stuck in my own head. That said, it was never my intention to withhold things or to deceive anyone but rather, for various reasons, an unconscious attempt at self-preservation. As they say, out of sight, out of mind. And that's exactly what I did with that conversation. Shelved it for a rainy day.
Well, for a few months I had been thinking about switching gears from photography to writing ... or at least some mixture of the two. But like all artists and creative people, we can be plagued with crippling self-doubt from time to time and I was dragging my feet. Then a few weeks ago, while driving to work, I passed a billboard for a new Netflix Original Film and everything seemed to click.
Jump And The Universe Will Catch You XOXO ... well, if that wasn't a sign (in both sense of the word) I don't know what is.
Fuck it! What have I to lose? So here I am, after a decade plus hiatus, back to writing. What this looks like I'm not sure. Some of it will be autobiographical, some just my musings and observations on life in general. However, it's my attempt to let go, be vulnerable, to toss you the keys and expose some of those missing pieces. After all, what's the point of learning something if you don't put it to good use?
For those that have known me for sometime, and even those of you that only know of me, hopefully you'll learn something new or maybe you'll just find something to laugh about, relate to, or even get inspired to do something positive. And for those people that got lost on the internet and stumbled upon this ... welcome.
*Taken from The Talented Mr. Ripley .. the movie, not the book. Actually, Peter Smith-Kingsley has only a brief mention in the novel. It's worth the read.
**Oddly enough, I only saw that billboard once. It was replaced by some other Netfilx show. Luke Cage I think.